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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 109
The Mafia Gazette Issue 109 Wednesday 18th October 'NEW YORK GUN BATLE: 44 DEAD ' In a massive gun battle last night, the streets of New York were flowing with blood. Over forty bodyguards and one Capo were killed in the pitched fighting between ASDA and the remains of Puck’s family, Disco. The main battle was between Albert Neri and Bugsy Siegel with the majority of the dead bodyguards having belonged to the ASDA Boss. The remainder belonged to Nr Neri and his Capo, TheReddeH who was also gunned down after Mr Neri left the city after sustaining a severe wound, but not before TheReddeH had helped deal some serious injury to Mr Siegel. Both parties withdrew following the death of TheReddeH, but not before another ASDA member, a Mr Coochie, had started firing on Mr Neri in Detroit. Mr Coochie was soon killed along with a further nine bodyguard deaths from both sides. It would appear that the animosity between the two families is still as fervent as ever, and we at the Gazette believe that this may be a drawn-out war claiming many more lives before any kind of peace is reached. We will bring you more news on this ongoing war as we have it. 'JAILS TOLD TO SMARTEN UP MAINTEANACE PROGRAMME ' Following on from a case of a faulty lock keeping a Capo imprisoned for 36 hours, jails across the country have been told to smarten up their maintenance programmes to prevent it happening again. Infamous ASDA Capo Bertone was locked in a communal cell for over a day and a half when a lock proved to be faulty and refused to work. Several other inmates died during the period of incarceration including Made Man Red Rabbit. Other victims of Bertone’s jail-made weapon included two New York Gangsters and two Goombas, one from New York, the other from Dallas. It is believed that Bertone suffered several wounds, some of them serious however most of these were treated by warders passing lint and gauze into the cell. Bertone is known more for his skills at killing kidnap victims, and this seems to have been some of the motivation behind the attacks while he was trapped in the cell. He is also known to be the boss of the infamous Bugsy Siegel, the man who killed Don Puck last week. The prison service say they have looked into the problem of the faulty lock, and hope that their repairs will mean it is not a situation that will recur. Authorities have stated that another incidence of this shoddy maintenance may see some steep fines being slapped on the chief warders’ desks. 'COFFEE VANDAL STRIKES NEWSPAPER PRESS ' In an unprovoked attack today, the Random Coffee Vandal struck the newspaper offices. One of the presses suffered minor damage when the vandal broke into the newspaper offices and proceeded to pour hot coffee into the workings of the press. Fortunately, the press was able to be fixed fairly quickly, with no delay to the newspaper printing. There were however some issues with the presses becoming overactive and spewing out copies of the draft newspaper at extreme speed. Mechanics claim that this is due to the caffeine that was injected into the system and the problem should calm down within a few hours. People should be on the look out for a man carrying a large flask of coffee and muttering to himself about caffeine being the new drug of choice for the masses. The as yet unnamed man was said to have been recently released from the local Psychiatric hospital after being admitted for a caffeine obsession. Doctors at the hospital stated that the man was not overly dangerous, and the worst anyone could expect from him was a cup of hot coffee forced upon them, with minor scald injuries a hazard. When it was pointed out to the doctor that the man had pored coffee into the printing press at the newspaper, he stated “Oh, he probably thought it looked like it needed one”. 'TRIAL OF CEMENT MIXERS CONTINUES ' Messrs Burke and Hare were back in court today on trial for a series of crimes following a very lengthy recess. The trial was supposed to continue on Thursday, but new evidence came to light overnight that saw the prosecutors asking for a few days to investigate. The Judge complied with the request and called a recess till this morning. The trial concerns the stealing of bodies, illegally recycling the cement and selling it on for inflated prices in shady deals with several of the local gangs. The recess was called following the arrest of an accomplice who was disposing of the stripped corpses in a macabre meat pie ring. The corpses were boiled in big vats, the meat stripped and mixed with other offal before being made into the pies which were then sold in shops all over the Western half of the continent. Burke and Hare sat in the dock as the prosecution brought forth witness after witness who had seen the pair dragging corpses from the bay in the middle of the night. There was also testimony from one of their neighbours who said he had seen the pair breaking open the cement overcoats, removing as much of the dead bodies as possible, then pounding the cement and mixing it with lesser quantities of “The good stuff” as the witness referred to it. The crimes of the pair had come to light following several reports to the police of bone fragments, and even a whole foot in bags of cement bought from the pair. The jury were appalled by some of the evidence brought by the prosecution, including the aforementioned foot. The trial went into recess again early this afternoon and the defence will start their submission tomorrow morning when the hearing reconvenes. 'DISMEMBERED CORPSE FOUND IN BAY ' Police were hunting for a killer yesterday after a dismembered corpse washed up on the coast. The body was identified as that of a Ms Kelly Brock, a hoodlum from New York and the Editor of the controversial Cooter Times. The Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Crippin, only managed to identify the corpse from dental records when all the body parts had been found. The gruesome discovery was made by Dr David West, a history professor at the local university as he walked his dog Rocket in the early morning. He found the torso on the tide line after his dog brought back a leg instead of the stick he had thrown. Other limbs were washed up further down the beach and later retrieved by police. The head was the last part of the body to be found, wedged in between some rocks further down the shore. Dr Crippin worked on the corpse for several hours, piecing together what had happened to the victim and issued a statement late yesterday afternoon. The victim, Ms Brock, had been shot twice, although the first bullet had merely nicked an earlobe. The second bullet had smashed through the spinal column after passing through Ms Brock’s larynx. The bullets were traced by police to an earlier murder in which the killer had been sent to jail. Mr Bugsy Siegel was arrested shortly after for the crime. During the court hearing, Mr Siegel caused his defence attorney to walk out of court when the Judge asked if he was guilty or not guilty. Mr Siegel’s reply of “I killed the sucker, so what?” brought gasps from the jury. The judge, Chief Justice Alphonzo Torquemada passed sentence on Mr Siegel immediately without waiting for any further comments from the felon and he was taken away to the jail under heavy guard. It is thought that Mr Siegel was attempting to silence Ms Brock by shooting her in the throat, possibly because of the earlier failed shot. Mr Siegel refused to comment any further after his outburst in the dock. 'THE FAMILY WAY: PART ONE ' By Randle McMurphy So, you’re in a family, good for you! But what do you do now? First thing’s first. When you join a family, get to know as many people as humanly possible. You’ll never move very far with a family if no-one knows who you are, will you? Be careful though, you don’t want to get a reputation for the wrong reasons, if you’ve got a big mouth or a hot head you’ll start to attract the wrong kind of attention. When you’re out on the streets, you’re representing your famiglia, so act like it. Speak with professionalism, don’t get yourself drawn into public slanging matches, and most importantly, never let anyone outside the family know what you are really thinking. Omerta is a word bandied around without much meaning anymore, but it is basically a code of silence. Not just towards the authorities though, but between families, after all, it’s nobody else’s business what you’re getting up to, right? Don’t discuss family matters in the streets, there’s always your next in line you can go to, the Capo Decima, or Sub-Crew Leader as some call them. Not all families have them, but they are handy for organisational purposes at least, or so I’m told. If all else fails, and you need to talk to someone, don’t be afraid to go to your boss, they’re people too after all! They would much rather be bugged with what may seem like a stupid question to you, than to clean up a mess you made on the streets, or worse. So to sum up: Network, get to know your family. Hold your tongue in public, tell only other family members what you’re really thinking. Speak to your Don if you need to! They’re there to help. Next time: Progressing through the ranks.